Because You're Worth It

This indelible Lorea'l slogan is not just good for makeup: it's good for life too. But what is "it"? What exactly are you worth? Well, Lorea'l would want you to believe it's $7 mascara. And if you think about it -- they're right! Who isn't worth that??? The tag line just fits because you know what -- I AM worth it!

That question, though, is a little harder to answer in life. And too often, I don't think we bother to even pose the question, let alone stop to think about the answer. I remember I had to make this determination in college when I was deciding whether or not to study aboard for a second time. I had already been to Italy for a semester and piled on an extra $6,000 or so of student loans when a summer program to Egypt and Greece was offered. I really wanted to go: I had always wanted to go to Greece when I was in Italy but I didn't make it. But going meant another five grand of loans. I really had to think about it. I didn't want the debt to keep piling up, but in the end, I decided that having the opportunity to explore these countries as part of an educational tour was well worth the cost. And more importantly, it was worth the experience. I was, after all, worth it! And I can say without equivocation that my life was enriched for it. It's a chance that I don't think I'll ever have again.

But there are other circumstances where the answer doesn't seem to fit the rational divide so easily -- where there are clear pros and cons. Or are there? I can't help but teleport this "worth it" argument into the sphere of relationships. Why is it, that when it comes to relationships, we're so willing to let our stock value fall? If you think about all of the assets that you bring to the table in a relationship as a portfolio of investments for the other person, isn't there a point at which you won't settle for anything less than the asking price? I mean think about it -- you have your education, your family, your relationship history, your personality, your appearance -- all of these individual "assets" make up the portfolio of who you are. And on some level, they measure your potential to deliver dividends in a relationship with the other person -- emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally. And likewise, their portfolio does the same.

So why, then, do we sell ourselves short? Why do we take a lower offer just to get a buyer? Aren't you worth having someone who's going to be honest with you and not manipulate your emotions? Aren't you worth friendships that aren't toxic and self-serving? Aren't you worth a partner who respects your intelligence and isn't threatened by your self confidence? Aren't you worth it? Aren't you worth a reciprocity of respect?

What if you would start to see yourself as an investment in someone's future -- future spouse, future mother or father of their child, future life partner? What would you be worth? Would you let them get you at a bargain or would you only come at a premium price? What exactly, is your portfolio worth?

Those Cheatin' Hearts

So here we are again. Another day, another politician admitting to an affair. Today, it's Governor Sanford; last week, Senator Ensign; before that, Elliott Spitzer and Vito Fossella; and of course, John Edwards. Ah, John Edwards -- the granddaddy of them all. That is, until today, when Governor Sanford held a press conference admitting his year-long affair with an Argentinian woman after his staff spun an elaborate tale about him hiking in the Appalachian Mountains for the past four days. A "creation of fiction" as he called it. Yep, that's right -- a creation of fiction. Not a lie: a creation of fiction.

At least John Edwards had the decency to still pretend everything was fine in his marriage while he was trying to convince the country to elect him President. (Yes, that is sarcasm you're sensing.) At least he didn't go missing for days on end with his mistress and blame it on a hike. I mean, really, did anyone ever think this story was going to pass muster and that the governor was just going to be able to waltz back into his office after four days as if no one noticed he was gone? He's the governor of a state for crying out loud! Hello!!! People notice when they can't find you for several days in a row!

So, why? Why do they do it? Why do they risk the public ridicule and the professional unraveling, not to mention the personal strife that comes with outed infidelity? Do they really think that in this day and age of 24 hour media, youTube, camera phones, and bloggers that NO ONE is going to find out? What relationship is worth all that? The answer is simple -- there isn't one. But everyone thinks they're not going to be the one who gets caught. How destructive narcissism can be.

And why don't you find women in these same predicaments? Well, yes, of course, there's the obvious double standard. But I think it's more than that. I think women who have worked hard enough to climb to that level of influence know that nothing, especially not some guy on the side, is worth the risk of bringing them down. And if it was, would her husband be standing next to her at the press conference in a show of solidarity and support? Would he be called "vindictive" if he wrote a book about his life that included the period of her infidelity? Or would he be called "smart" for "leveraging the opportunity afforded him by the spotlight of her indiscretion?"

What if the roles were reversed? What if the governor were female? Would she be forced to resign? Or, would we just shake our heads in the disbelief of "there goes another one?"

My husband always says that if God didn't give women emotions, we would rule the world. Because men, according to him, will do anything -- stupid, unbelievable things -- to get in a woman's pants. What if he's right? What if all these high powered men, or even low to no powered men for that matter, didn't have wives to forgive them and take them back? What if, like Governor Sanford's wife said, women stood up for their dignity and the dignity of their children and told their cheating husbands to leave? Could we do it? Can we leave our emotions behind, or is such hope the ultimate creation of fiction?

Mourning Life, Celebrating Death

Yes, you read the title correctly. Mourning life and celebrating death. A few years ago I saw an interview with a very well known Hollywood actor where he discussed the embracing of change. And not the kind of change you excitedly anticipate like starting a new job, or moving to a new city, or dating a new crush. He meant embracing uncomfortable change -- the kind of change that you wish would just go away. The kind you never asked for and would rather not deal with.

He was, in essence, describing the peaks and valleys we all experience, as a series of life and death cycles -- that life was full of these cycles and that as human beings, we can find ourselves celebrating death and mourning life instead of accepting our circumstance as another sequel in the series. Here's some examples of what he meant.

How many times have you looked back at a time in your life and wished for that moment again because what you currently have just isn't cutting it? You know the thoughts -- I wish life could just be simple again; I wish I could go back to being a kid again, then I wouldn't have to worry about paying these bills. Or you think: It would be nice if we could go out again the way we used to before we had kids. And then there's the classic: why did I ever let him go?

This is how we celebrate death: we try to resurrect that which has long been buried.

And then the mourning -- the wishing away of life. It goes like this: why do I have to go through this? Why can't I just be done with it already? When am I ever going to have some time for myself again? Why did this have to happen?

We want the uneasiness of life to die before it ever has a chance to live. To develop. To mature us. To give us a new experience.

Can we embrace uncomfortable change as an opportunity to grow? What if, instead of wishing away the pain, the loss, the emptiness in our heart -- what if, instead, of seeing it as an uncomfortable change to mourn -- what if we allowed it to spark new life in us? What if we could, in all of its difficulty, celebrate it instead?



This post is dedicated to the loving memory of Linda Daniels. May your family, especially your husband and children, find the strength to embrace life even in the midst of your untimely passing.

Shallow Hal Syndrome

"In what world do they exist?" Do you find yourself asking this question about someone who no matter what, they just don't seem to get it? And I don't mean that they sort of don't get it. I mean, there is no earthly way that they are existing in the same world as everyone else. And what's worse is that no matter how hard you try to make them see what the rest of world sees, somehow they always seem to find a way to convince themselves that everyone else is crazy and they're right. This is what I call Shallow Hal Syndrome.

You remember the movie Shallow Hal, right? Jack Black's character (Hal) starts off as a realist -- you know, the kind of guy who only wants to date beautiful women. He's shallow (hence the title) and a jerk, but hey, at least he's honest with himself and with the rest of the world about who he is. Then he gets hypnotized, and that results in him only being able to see the inner beauty of a woman. He ends up dating Rosemary, a morbidly obese woman to the rest of the world, but because of Hal's new found state of delusion, I mean hypnosis, his view of her is nothing but roses. Well, actually, his view of her is Gwyneth Paltrow. But you understand my point. And it doesn't matter how much people try to get him to see the truth, in his mind, everything is perfect.

Enter Shallow Hal Syndrome. It's a state of delusion about one's self that's so far removed from the reality of what everyone else sees and thinks that it almost feels other-worldly. Like somehow this person is just trying to punk us and one day Ashton Kutcher is going to come blasting through the parking lot with a camera crew in tow to make us all feel like big idiots for actually thinking this person could possibly be serious. But here's the thing -- they are serious. And at what point do we stop trying to undo the hypnosis that this person is so clearly under? When do we give up on the notion that they'll ever regain a sense of reality (that is if they ever had one to begin with!)?

How do you convince someone that despite their deep and unbelievable denial, they really aren't perfect? In fact, they're not even close to it. Better yet, the gap between their perception of themselves and what everyone else thinks is of grand canyon-like proportions. And I'm talking not one or two people -- I'm talking just about everyone they encounter thinks the exact opposite of the person than what they think of themselves. So how do you do it? How do you convince someone they have Shallow Hal Syndrome?

I know -- what if you could diagnose it? You know, like restless leg syndrome or irritable bowel syndrome. What if you could reduce Shallow Hal Syndrome to a three-letter acronym -- SHS. Then maybe it would seem more treatable. Then maybe we wouldn't find ourselves so frustrated by their utter lack of cluelessness. Because then we could just say -- oh, well, you know she has SHS.

Consistency

Hypothetically speaking...what if I blogged more often? Would I be combating one of life's biggest challenges -- consistency. But is it enough to just be consistent? (see earlier post about the pursuit of excellence). Shouldn't my goal be consistency with excellence? Just aksin'. Trust me -- I DO have a lot to say and within the next week, I will bring you up to speed on all that's been brewing in my mind for the past couple of months. Coming down the pike, a little bit in political observation and personality absurdities.